Student View of Being a Teen in Crisis

 A Note From a Student 

I was hurting, and I did not let myself feel the hurt. I was so very angry ... angry at my baseball coach, angry at my doctor, angry at my parents, angry at my teachers, angry at my therapist and even angry at some of my friends .... I was angry at everyone who thought that I was not trying to be my best and that I just didn't care about anyone or anything.

School was awful. 

I could not concentrate on anything. So I gave up trying.  Then I had to leave playing baseball because my grades dropped.

That is when I started drinking, and smoking and stealing my dad's pills that he took for depression. I was tempted to do other drugs too ... a lot .... and no one even knew, not even my parents.  They never guessed I was thinking that way, I was thinking of running away and never coming back. 

I stayed locked in my room for hours, addicted to the computer and the chat rooms, because there I could find people who said they understood how I was feeling and they felt that way too.  Some even offered to help me run away.

I was just a kid, 13 years old, and I felt totally alone and I felt like no one liked me. I felt alone at home, alone at school, alone in the world.  I quite talking to everyone because no matter what I said no one understood. I felt like killing myself.  I felt like killing someone just so the pain would stop.

Then I met this lady, Ms. Frances.

My parents had her come to our home and meet all of us.  She came all the way from California. It was summer and I was wearing long sleeves because I had been cutting on my arms and I did not want her to see.

I also had gained a lot of weight because I was just eating all the time out of frustration. I felt ugly. 

I told her all these things .. and more .... because I wanted her to be scared of me and go away. She didn't act scared or surprised by what I said.  She just listened.

She seemed to understand what I was saying and even when I got up and slammed a door she did nothing but wait until I came back and sat down again.

I showed her where I had punched a hole in the wall.  She just looked and nodded and said nothing.

She asked me where I would go if I ran away. I told her I had friends on the Internet who would take me in.

She asked me where they lived.  I actually didn't know and after awhile I begin to realize how big the world was out there.

I showed her my room and she even liked some of the same music I liked, but even the music I had that she did not like she knew why I liked it. I told her my parents were evil and asked her why she was there.  She told me a story about herself.

Ms. Frances is adopted too. 

She knew part of what I was feeling and why I felt that way.  She asked me if I wanted to feel alive, better, different, happy again?  I thought about it.  I said I did not know if I could feel better because I was failing at everything.

She asked me if I cared that I was failing at everything? Yes, I cared, but I did not know what to do about it.

My parents and Ms. Frances and I talked for two days. 

I was worried when she asked me about going to a school far away from home. She told me she knows how it feels to be worried, but asked that I trust her and she gave me her word I would not be alone. She also told me her daughter was away at a school, and even though she missed her, it was helping her. I was scared, but after awhile I felt more scared to do nothing, so I agreed to go. I cried, my parents cried, even Ms. Frances cried. When I asked her why she was crying she said because she could see how much I was loved.

Well .... that was June 2002.  I am 19 now. I do not worry any more. I am not angry anymore. I love my family and realize they did what was best for me. I think I would have run away had they not gotten me help. I still have struggles but I learned how to address them instead of reaching for a drink or a pill. I do not feel alone anymore.  Life is not perfect but it sure is better. I let myself get help when I feel I need it. Ms. Frances understood and she helped me and my family.

Thank you Ms. Frances.  You may have saved my life.

~ Brandon B., Washington